Chapter 50

Too often, I believe the lie that evil controls,

Instead of resting in the restorer of my soul.

All of my days were ordained before one came to be,

By the author of life who penned my entire story.

Born and growing in chapter one through chapter five.

Under love and protection, I flourished and thrived.

Chapter six was when I first felt God’s call on my heart.

I knew He was real and saw our relationship start.

In chapters six through ten, living for God was modeled.

I was safe and secure, protected, and coddled.

Living confidently in the love of my parents,

Not worried about my abilities or talents.

Although it would take me years to fully discover,

I met a personal God who shelters and covers.

Loved, with four built in best friends, my life was idyllic,

But what seemed quality crystal, was cheap and acrylic.

Chapter twelve was the change I did not see coming.

A new town, without church, my foundation was crumbling.

Confused, different, alone, and unseen by the world.

The need for affirmation began to unfurl.

A self-awareness outside of God’s love took over.

I withdrew and hid, silent, self-conscience, and sober.

Chapters fourteen through eighteen, quiet and focused,

An invisible child who avoided all notice.

Although I hid, now I see a God who never left me.

No matter how much I withdrew from God, I could not flee.

I lost all hope in chapters eighteen through twenty-one.

An outcast before my college life had begun.

I felt foolish, thinking that college would be different.

Abusive and berating thoughts became proliferate.

Even in loneliest, the worst, and darkest of night.

I heard God calling me, to turn, to give up my fight.

But to try and fit in, I hid God in my back pocket.

I was a Christian who hid that fact in the closet.

In retrospect, I recognize that God did not leave my side.

The breath of life was so close, but I had turned aside.

I had no idea the betrayal that was in store,

Between the years of twenty-one and twenty-four.

A time that found me relentlessly pursuing,

Someone I loved and it proved to be my undoing.

But the breaking point was found in chapter twenty-five.

When the marriage I vowed for life did not survive.

The end of a marriage that was only beginning,

Helped me to see how I was merely existing.

And through the devastation of adultery,

I fully saw, against God, my effrontery.

I could sit in the betrayal, always be the victim.

But the goodness of God began to flow in my system.

Doing immeasurably more than I ever thought He could,

God took what man meant for evil and turned it to good.

A season that began with the pain of betrayal,

Became the greatest lesson and God’s portrayal,

Of His steadfast love, mercy, and never-ending grace.

It taught me to look upon the countenance of His face.

Through every hardship in life, I was held in his hand,

Never did He reject me. Never will I be banned!

Although my relationship with God was renewed,

Chapters twenty-six through thirty-eight, my kingdom grew.

I saw God’s love and restoration in my life.

God bandaged me up. I once again became a wife.

Through the years, more titles came; wife, mommy, and boss.

But all of these realized dreams were covered in dross.

There was a cost. I did not know what would be required,

For building my dreams and getting what I desired.

It was not at all what I anticipated,

For my happiness seemingly disintegrated.

Why couldn’t I appreciate all these precious gifts?

Why did I feel so lost, like I was in the sea adrift?

In chapter thirty-nine, I wanted to draw God close.

But I did not know how to desire Him most.

Now that I was not enmeshed in my brokenness,

I was not following Him with such openness.

God’s response was that I need community,

That I was to look for service opportunities.

The pain of past rejections began to fill my head,

And this clear directive to act filled my heart with dread.

But I clearly heard the voice of God, so I obeyed.

I walked in, though my knees were weak and my nerves were frayed.

I experienced a God who leads us through our fears,

To remove that which we’ve bottled up and hid for years.

A God who replaces the desires of our heart,

God knows us so well, He knows exactly where to start.

God continuously works to heal and make us whole,

Chapter forty brought a friend who nourished my soul.

Chapter forty-one brought a desire to follow.

For the pursuit of my dreams was empty and hollow.

I desired to live life worthy of God above,

Faced the depths of my selfishness by focusing on love.

Chapter forty-two brought a most bitter awareness,

Over how angry I was over all the unfairness.

It was taking over my life, seeking to destroy.

I allowed circumstances to rob me of joy.

What I viewed in frustration as inconveniences,

Was God testing me to let go of all the impedances.

Chapter forty-three brought to me healing, greater health,

With the knowledge that God’s abundance is not worldly wealth.

In my heart God was digging and mining a sacred space.

For years and years of bitterness needed to be erased.

Chapter forty-four taught me to consider others,

To look to the needs of my sisters and brothers.

And as God was building me up in unity,

God gave me the special gift of community.

God, finally, friends who model service to you.

You gave me women who encourage, a precious few.

Chapter forty-five brought confusion into my home.

I needed God’s assurance. I needed God’s shalom.

A personal tragedy that rocked my faith to the core.

I sought the truth of God’s grace like never before.

And as my family was shifting to a new normal.

I found solace in God and I began to journal.

The handshake deal I made with God for comfort and ease,

Became apparent to me amid my cries and pleas.

This Momma’s heart could resonate with Jochebed.

To lay down, as God taught me to wait for Him, instead.

Chapter forty-six brought out courage that I do not possess.

By offering my writing, uncertain of success.

To live outside of my comfort and boldly proclaim.

The satisfaction of living within God’s good, good name.

To reveal to the world what once was kept so hidden.

But God’s love compels me. I’m ignited. I’m driven.

Plentiful words given to the girl without a voice,

Life-giving words to those who receive God as their choice.

That evil has no power. It does not write our story.

All things work to our good and are for God’s glory.

Chapter forty-seven highlighted my uniqueness.

As I sought to serve God in humility and meekness.

Learning to live in a space of authenticity.

As God taught me to trust in Him, implicitly.

Chapters forty-eight and forty-nine revealed a calling.

Held, although often I feel as if I’m free-falling.

To not focus on all my failures and imperfections,

But rather, to lean upon His glorious direction.

He showed me that I am deeply loved and fully known.

That I cannot fail and that I am never alone.

That this arduous journey across the wilderness,

Was to teach me to rely on God, and His completeness.

And as I see chapter fifty knocking at my door.

I cannot wait to step into all that God has instore.

Once again, I live basking in the love of My Father.

For nothing compares to the peace He has to offer.

God, even though it may take me years to understand.

Continue to teach me to trust you and follow your plan.

Convert me into your glorious tabernacle.

Brighten my face to shine, sparkle, and crackle.

Nothing compares to knowing that you are with me.

God you are my king and the source of my prosperity.

Who am I? What worth do I have outside of You?

You alone call me favored, washed clean, and renewed.

For fifty years, you’ve been here. You’re a balm to my soul.

You been working your plan to transform me and make me whole.